These past couple of weeks has been very challenging for me. I mean like back in the month of April the 24th day to be exact I lost my unborn child and it hurts badly. I have a counselor, but haven’t been going meet with her. I haven’t been feeling up to meeting with her. Lately I’ve been asked from other’s where’s your baby? My response be I lost my baby, but I still have my little toddler. I feel so much hurt even lost. I’ve been asking God to help me even change me and my response to how I handle thing’s that occur in my life.
Even before miscarriage I was struggling every day. This can’t be life, I’m a bit again child of God and yet life is hard. No matter what I’m dealing with it’s always more than one struggle, my circumstances are weighing me down. The storm’s in my life keep raging, when will it ever stop? When will God step in and take over? Will I have to continue to love in pain, sorrow, shame, disgrace?
As I lay here I ask myself why am I still seeking God, it seems like He’s not helping? I cry out to Him for help? Why God isn’t answering me? I have a lot of why with no answers from the One I live for God Himself? I know He sees me struggling, crying, praying, and just wanting to give up, but I don’t.
Seeing my family members give birth to their children these past months, has me questioning myself. Was it my fault? Why God allowed such tragedy, when He says He loves me?
Do I feel loved by God? Yes and No! Yes because I’ve read in the Bible how He sent His only Son to die for me on the cross. Within my flesh I feel like I didn’t ask Him to do that for me? Which I believe is wrong for feeling like this. No, because I don’t feel loved by God or haven’t experienced His love.
Struggling, but why? Before I came to know and learn of God. I wasn’t struggling, but I wasn’t living right instead I was living in a world of sin. Now that I’m born again, life hasn’t been the same.
Do I see the hand of God over or upon my life? Is God for me like He says? Is God who He say He is to me? God why are you showing these events and what good will come out of these storm’s? What good comes out of losing an unborn child? When your word says everything you make is good, how’s that so?